August 8, 2012 § Leave a comment

It has been a very long time since I have written. Not a whole lot has been going on.

Right now I’m on a plane flying back to Phoenix for work. Needless to say Phoenix brings up a lot of emotions.

I hate Phoenix.

Leaving that city was the best thing we could have done. We have found so much more opportunity in LA then we could have ever imagined.

Yes, rent is THREE times what it is in Phoenix, but it is completely worth it.

We have found a great group of friends, some new some old, a great place to live (complete with the kindest, most incredible neighbors), and my love is pursuing her dream career.

While things on the cash flow side could ALWAYS be better, we are making it. I’ve picked up a couple of freelance things doing research for a nice lady.

I finally feel like my life is going in the direction I have always wanted.

Now the next thing on my list is to start saving money for top surgery. Who knows where I am going to come up with 5-7 grand. And honestly, how long is it going to take. I don’t know that I can handle bother summer binding.

How did you raise money for surgery ( if there’s anyone reading this)?


Sir, Did You See the Person with the Fireworks?

July 2, 2012 § Leave a comment

Ahhh, Fourth of July. Time for barbecues, cold beer, and relaxing with family and friends. And if you live in Los Angeles, time for neighborhoods to start sounding like war zones. I live in the Mid-Wilshire area of LA, and for some reason, our neighbors think it is absolutely awesome to set off gigantic fireworks from their homes. Not only is this super dangerous, but it’s really, really fucking annoying. 

It is unsettling having explosions happening when you are not expecting them. It puts us on edge. Our poor pets are very scared as well. One of our dogs is absolutely terrified of loud noises, so the past two weeks have been really hard for her. Our other dog gets startled, but he will just go back to sleep. Not our girl dog. She has to come and sit on my lap (all 45 pounds of her) until she calms down. Of course I don’t mind her sitting on my lap, I want her to feel safe!

Last night I was out in the yard letting the dogs go potty before bed and I heard and saw two explosions and the firework plume that goes along with the explosion. I had to call the cops and get those motherfuckers in trouble. The fireworks aren’t just annoying, they are ILLEGAL. 

I was able (this time) to estimate where the fireworks were coming from, as we live at the top of a hill and can see down on the neighborhood. I called the cops and when talking to the dispatcher, she called me sir. I guess my voice really is getting deeper. That’s the first time I’ve ever been called sir on the phone. 

Also, we did a Google Hangout with our friends in New York yesterday, and they said that my voice is “getting manly.”


Exercise? WTF is That?

June 29, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’ve been saying this for a while now, I need to exercise. I have several reasons, the biggest being: I want to look better.

I am horrible at dieting. HORRIBLE. I figure, if I do some exercise, like light weights (really light, like 5lbs) and crunches every day for a few days, I’m hoping I can create a habit.  They (I don’t know who, I’ve just heard it a lot!) say that it only takes 21 days to create a new habit (or break a bad old one).

If I can take the time during my lunch break to do just a little something, I’m hoping eventually I’ll get the energy and the impetus to go further.

For example today I did 3 sets of  crunches, 15 reps each and 5 sets of assorted curl-thingies (that’s a technical term), 10 reps each. I am so out of shape that I was definitely feeling the burn.

Everyone says that being on testosterone helps them build muscles larger and more quickly than before starting T. I’m hoping I can see some difference. I’m not expecting to be huge with my childlike exercise, I’m just hoping to build some muscle so I can burn calories more efficiently, and eventually tap into my caloric storage. Honestly, my quads have changed shape and are actually firm now (something my honey bunny noticed before I did), and that’s with no work at all, just normal walking.

Can I keep it up? I hope so! Eventually, I’d really like to get into a good habit of exercising to the point where I can start running. I am a firm believer that if you just jump into something head first, you’re more likely to burn out and quit. So, I figure, I start slowly and work my way up.

What it all comes down to is that I don’t want to stop eating sweets and bread and soda. I will cut back, but I don’t want to stop!

Oh yeah, one more thing… yesterday when I got out of the shower, I discovered that I have hair on my feet now. So weird!

The “T” Word

June 28, 2012 § Leave a comment

This morning, one of my great friends sent me a link to an editorial written by Lucas Silviera about the “tranny” controversy he faced. She wanted to know what my opinion was about the article and the different topics discussed.

You can check out his post here. Go read it, then come back.

Here’s what I said in response:

Interesting. I find a lot to agree with, especially the losing one’s identity thing. It’s really hard because you do lose a piece of yourself. And the even more difficult thing (for me at least) is the fact that I want nothing to do with the male privilege that comes along with passing. I don’t even consider to be transitioning from Female to male… more like female to masculine. I know it doesn’t make sense to a lot of people, so for simplicity’s sake, I will say that I am transitioning to male (that’s how I told my dad and my co-workers), but it isn’t what I really believe… I suppose it’s because I really do have a difficult time with what a male identity is in American society.

I have no problem with who I was/who I am/who I will be. Each stage of my life has been instrumental in making me who I am, and I will never deny that (unless it causes safety issues of course).

As for all of the Tranny stuff, I think there are a lot of people that have no sense of humor (I can’t believe I’m saying this! I hate it when people say that) about some things. I think it’s totally understandable, being so disenfranchised does make a person humorless sometimes, but the way he was attacked was pretty ridiculous. I remember reading blog posts and tweets relating to the situation and I thought it was lame. But, when it all boils down to it, people were more than justified for being upset about his usage of the word.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve deleted people on FB for calling people trannies, and when I called them out on it they became belligerent aholes, but I definitely see that there is a difference between a transperson calling himself a tranny, and a gay man making fun of a woman because she looks like she may be transgender.

It’s a really effed up thing because it isn’t exactly a black and white issue.

I don’t use tranny. I find it to be pretty derogatory.

So, when it all comes down to it:

  • Don’t say Tranny.
  • Allow intelligent discussion
  • We’re all in this together
  • Let’s make shit better

As far as identification goes, what he experienced is a huge fear of mine. I’m curious as to where he’s at now in his opinions about identification. It’s super important to me to identify as Trans*. I have been very fortunate though to have good experiences so far.



4.5 Months on Testosterone; No More Injection Leakage

June 28, 2012 § 1 Comment

Today is 4.5 months since I have started Testosterone.  It was my 19th injection. Since I adjusted the angle of the needle when I inject, I am not getting anymore leakage. I really think that I was losing 1/3 to 1/2 of my dose each time, causing significant slowing in progression, which is frustrating.

My legs are getting really hairy and my honey bunny doesn’t like that because it is so itchy. I offered to shave it off, but she said that will just make it worse because then it will be prickly. What a pickle!!

Other than that. I haven’t seen any significant changes, and in fact, I am getting “ma’am’ed” more than ever. I think it’s people trying to be nice and/or “down”. It doesn’t make me as upset as it used to. Before I started transition, I used to get really pissed. Now, it’s kind of funny because it’s like, “I know something you don’t know.” In all honesty, I wonder if or when I will start passing. I really want to disappear in to manworld. I enjoy being queer and looking queer, so in all actuality, I hope I at least maintain a queer appearance (and I’m not talking dress).

In real life, I’m pretty happy. Like happy for an extended amount of time. I don’t remember the last time that happened. Of course I experienced happiness before, just not “extended happiness.” Events, items, stuff can make me happy, but it always seems to go back to crap. Not now. And I like that.

My five month follow up is July 19th. It will be interesting to find out where my T levels are.

Tuesday reflections

June 26, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’m fascinated.

I love watching my awesome spouse work on her projects for school, especially when she is making latex masks and other cool things like that.

I sort of wish that my job was more hands-on rather than “office work.” don’t get me wrong, social media is pretty awesome, and I really love my job, but sometimes it is awesome to be able to see something tangible as the fruits of my labor.

That’s what I miss about music I guess, you write a song and once it’s done, you have something to show for it. Someday I’ll come back to music.

The Weekend’s Arrival

June 15, 2012 § Leave a comment

This weekend is LA Trans Pride.

I THINK we’re going, but I’m not 100% sure.

It will be nice to get out and mingle with some Queer folk. I didn’t have a great time at the Pride parade last Sunday, and we didn’t do anything else over pride weekend, so this should be a nice thing.

Although lately I’ve been having some issues with anxiety. More than normal actually. Not to the point where I am going to be a shut-in or anything, but I just feel really uncomfortable and self-conscious all of the time. I think when it comes down to it it’s all about my boobs.

They are big and really hard to hide. I’m getting more and more frustrated all of the time. I have no idea how long it will be until I can afford surgery.

And, I’m super frustrated about my progress. I was watching videos of other transguys at 4 months on testosterone, and they seem so much further along that I am. I just don’t get it.